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generosity: what emerson taught me

Hi there! I’m in West L.A. with my dear friend Emerson Boergadine and we’re talking about generosity. Why you ask? Because Emerson is the most generous person I know and I think you should know him too.

WHAT DOES GENEROSITY MEAN TO YOU?

Oh man! (Laughs) I knew you were going to ask me a question like that! I was trying to think of answers last night.

NO! THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE FREE AND NATURAL. YOU CAN GIVE ME ANYTHING. LIKE A VISUAL. ANYTHING.

Ok, I think I’ve got a visual for you. I ordered pizza yesterday ‘cuz I was feeling lazy and editing photos. I didn’t want to get up and go anywhere because I was just in my zone. So, I went to go grab my tip and I was looking for some cash. And I pulled out a couple dollars and I was like, hmmm. Then I remembered a story I heard about ‘Abdu’l-Baha. There are numerous stories out there about ‘Abdu’l-Baha’s generosity. He happened to be a very generous tipper. Everywhere he went he was a generous tipper.

So I started pulling out the dollars and I thought, two dollars is good. Nah! Let’s just do three. If I gave four dollars the guy would probably be a lot happier. Maybe four is not enough? I went with four. For me it was just an extra two dollars but for this guy it was two dollars vs. four dollars. It probably made his delivery a little more worthwhile. And it was just something I was inspired to do after reflecting on that story. It’s just giving a little more than you normally would, when it’s not that big of a difference.

DO YOU CONSIDER THE ACT GENEROUS WHEN ITS NOT A SACRIFICE? DOES THE SACRIFICIAL ELEMENT HAVE TO BE PRESENT IN ORDER FOR IT TO BE CONSIDERED GENEROUS?

I don’t think it has to be a sacrifice. A lot of wealthy people can be generous with their money and it may not be a sacrifice for them. We need affluent people. We need people to be generous everywhere, especially in third-world countries.

I spent a year in Tonga doing service and we had one affluent family in the town I was in. They weren’t super wealthy, they just had a small business that did very well. But it enabled them to give to the community and be very generous with their money. One of the smaller islands needed a bathroom at the Baha’i community center and this family was able to help build that bathroom. It wasn’t a sacrifice. I mean, I don’t think their generosity hurt them.

I remember my coordinator Sina Mossayeb was talking about sacrifice once during a workshop retreat. He asked us, “What does sacrifice mean to you?” We all went around the room and talked about it and then he shared the root of the word and it actually made a lot of sense. Sacrifice means to make something sacred. It doesn’t have to hurt you to give. You’re just taking something and making it sacred when you give.

I LIKE THAT. WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT WEALTHY? HOW CAN SOMEONE SHOW GENEROSITY WHEN THEY DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO SPARE?

I think it’s a state of mind. It’s about shifting your focus to the external, focusing outward. When you change your focus, then generosity naturally comes out because you’re not thinking about yourself. You’re being selfless as opposed to being selfish. Generosity comes as an aspect of being selfless, or trying to be selfless.

WHAT ARE DIFFERENT WAYS THAT PEOPLE CAN BE GENEROUS?

By giving! My dad’s an amazing example of being generous. I actually have a really cool story. When we were kids, he’d always tell us if I had sixty heartbeats, twenty would be for you and twenty for each of your brothers. He never left over any for himself! (Laughs)

AW. THAT’S SO SWEET.

He lived for us and that to me is a big sacrifice. It’s about as generous as you can get. And even now that we’re all in our 30s, if we need financial help or anything, he’s there for us. It’s not just with his money. He’s not rich by any means. But my brother needs a new car right now, so he helps him with some money. And he won’t ever just give one of us money. He wants us all to feel equally loved. So if one of my brothers needs a little help with rent one month, he gives us all the same amount of money. That to me is generous. He doesn’t have a lot but he equally loves us all.

HE’S VERY JUST.

He’s very just. He’s always been like that with everything for us. He’s been a great example.

YOU LEARNED GENEROSITY FROM YOUR DAD?

The heartbeat story stuck out a lot. He was constantly thinking of us. Whenever we needed anything. He’s even generous with his words. He sent me an email last week after a Skype conversation entitled “The Presence of Amos.” Like the cookies from “Famous Amos.” He spent the time to think about me and what we talked about and wrote an entire email telling me how I have this presence and how to tap into my presence and when it comes out. He spent all that time to write to me. He was generous with his words and his time. His thoughts were with me.

It’s not just how much can I be generous with my money, it’s also how much time can I dedicate to this person. It’s so much more than just how much can I give of my material wealth. It’s how much I can give of my time or my thoughts.

IF WE WERE TO BREAK DOWN STEPS OR TIPS FOR SOMEONE WHO’S WORKING ON THE VIRTUE OF GENEROSITY, WHAT ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS YOU CAN MAKE TO HELP THEM BE AWARE OF OPPORTUNITIES TO BE MORE GENEROUS?

I’d suggest focusing your thoughts outward. Practice selflessness. Andy Grammer does something that I love. If we’re at the grocery checkout counter, he’s generous with his time and his smile. He does the smallest things that show people how present he is. He actually stops and has a conversation with the cashier. Not a long one. Not one that will piss off the people behind us, but he smiles and acknowledges the person for more than being a cashier at a grocery store. He has genuine interactions. It’s those little things that I notice in a lot of my friends. They do things that bring smiles to the faces of strangers.

I think that’s a really nice first step. That’s the one I’m working on. Andy’s a good example of that. That’s how I want to be. Present.

PRESENT FOR OTHERS?

Yeah. I like that. Present for others.

HOW DO YOU PRACTICE GENEROSITY WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

I like doing this one thing. When I see the perfect gift for someone, I buy it. I love it! I found lavender honey the other day and I know my friend loves lavender. And their birthday happens to be coming up! If you see that perfect little thing to get for your friend, it’s like, why not?

With your friends it’s easy to give. Give your time if you can’t give money. It’s easy to give your time.

IS THERE A VIRTUE RIGHT NOW THAT YOU’RE WORKING ON? ONE WHERE YOU’RE LIKE “WOW, I WISH I COULD INCORPORATE MORE OF THAT IN MY LIFE?”

Yes. Love. By that I mean universal love. ‘Abdu’l-Baha talks about universal love, one where you are the essence of love. You’re in a state of love.

I took this three-day Hindu meditation course once on all different styles of meditation and how to open up your chakras. We talked about the specific chakra that opens you up to love and learned about the meaning of love. You can’t just love one person individually. It’s not about romance or being in love, it’s about getting to that place where you’re in a constant state of love. That’s what unconditional love is.

When you’re in a state of love, anyone you interact with feels that, like the story of Andy Grammer at the grocery store. You simply exist in love. That’s where I want to be.

WHAT IS YOUR WISH FOR HUMANITY?

(With a deep sigh and a warm smile) To learn how to love. It’s my wish for myself. To love unconditionally.

mind the plow

I don’t know about you, but right around the time I entered the 7th grade, I started experiencing some major changes. Aside from the typical teenage stuff like dealing with acne, growing curves in awkward places and starting to notice boys, I realized I wanted nothing to do with my mother. Unfortunately, for both of us, this period (no pun intended) lasted way beyond my adolescent years.

It’s been a frustrating and long road to peace for both of us. We can proudly claim that we’ve exhausted all avenues. It started with mom micromanaging me. But that approach failed almost instantly because whatever she tried to get me to do, I eventually fought back by doing the opposite. Then we alternated between screaming matches and silent treatments for a couple of years. Yeah, that certainly shortened our lives and lengthened our therapy bills.

That being said, I’m glad we didn’t give up on the possibility of having a relationship in the future. The love was still there. We just needed to learn how to love each other without driving the other one bonkers. And like ‘Abdu’l-Baha says, “Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.”

One day I received an email from an old friend, inviting me to a workshop given by the lovely Erica Toussaint. It was called “Characterized by An Abiding Sense of Joy: Practical Applications of Spiritual Principles in Everyday Life.” My husband and I cancelled all our weekend plans and decided to attend on a whim. By the first day I realized, this is something my mom should attend too. So the next day, I nervously invited her to join me in hopes that the information we would receive from the workshop would help us mend whatever remained of our fragile relationship.

I’m so glad I trusted my intuition and invited mom to come. It turned out to be a life-changing experience for both of us. Erica spoke in great detail about the source of joy and suffering. If you want to learn more, I highly recommend attending one of her workshops if she’s ever in your town. We learned so much and one quote in particular has kept us in check ever since.

“Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being “perfect as our heavenly father is perfect” and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy. If we allow our attention and energy to be taken up in efforts to keep others right and remedy their faults, we are wasting precious time. We are like ploughmen each of whom has his team to manage and his plough to direct, and in order to keep his furrow straight he must keep his eye on his goal and concentrate on his own task. If he looks to this side and that to see how Tom and Harry are getting on and to criticize their ploughing, then his own furrow will assuredly become crooked.”

                                                                 -Shoghi Effendi, Living the Life: a Compilation



Upon hearing that quote, we looked at each other with tears in our eyes, apologized and made a pact to “mind our own plows.” It took some practice, because after all we are human and patterns take time to change, but we’re managing. Now every time we forget and find one of us straying into each other’s territory we lovingly exclaim, “Hey! Mind your own plow!”

I’m happy to report it’s working beautifully and for the first time in 20 years, my mom and I actually have a good relationship and look forward to spending time with each other. A feat that seemed impossible only six months ago. Just ask any of our friends and family members. They can’t believe we’re getting along so well.

If there’s one thing I learned from this experience it’s this: if there’s love and both parties are willing to work at it, don’t give up because it’s hard. I discovered in order to have a real relationship with others you need to sacrifice the idea of who they should be and just accept them for who they are. This requires letting go of the need to control others and just minding your own plow. Magical things start to happen when your focus shifts from criticizing others to improving yourself. If anything, the grass on your side of the fence will begin to look a lot greener.

follow your heart & succeed!

Over the weekend I was invited to a friend’s house for a devotional gathering. It was the most spiritually uplifting devotional gathering I’ve ever been to. Everything from the warmth and hospitality of the hostess to the atmosphere of love and openness…it just left my heart feeling full and happy. 

We shared prayers and quotes on the theme of joyfulness and then enjoyed getting to know each other afterwards while feasting on some yummy refreshments. During that time, I was talking to my friend about possibly putting up a musical and doing some theatre together. As we were talking, she pointed to another guest who loves musical theatre and introduced me to him. 

A dark-haired Persian man with an olive complexion and brown eyes turned around and exclaimed, “Oh, I just love musicals! What I would give to be in a musical!” His whole face lit up like a kid arriving at Disneyland to celebrate his birthday. I was instantly drawn to his beautiful English accent and smooth, velvety voice. I don’t remember what we spoke about in those few minutes and I’m sure I didn’t make any sense at all. Eventually I became aware that I was behaving like a grinning monkey and asked him the usual cliche question, “So, what do you do?” He told me he just finished his Master’s in Law at USC and was looking for a job as a lawyer. As he spoke, it was as if someone took all the air out of his balloon. His energy completed disappeared and I nearly cried. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. The joy and love I witnessed only moments ago had evaporated and although he was a stranger, he didn’t look like himself anymore. There was no way I was letting him leave that night without that love. No way, Jose. So I persisted, “But why are you looking for jobs in law if it’s musicals that you love? What use will you be as a lawyer if you dread going to work?” He looked at me in shock. I wasn’t sure if the silence was him thinking about the answers or regretting talking to me in the first place. After all, we just met each other five minutes ago.

He nodded as I continued to prod him with more questions. He said, “I love music. I love to sing. When I was at USC, I joined an acapella group for fun.” Boom. Someone flicked the game lights on in the stadium and he was back in his light. So I told him. “If you love to sing, then you must do it. You must do what you love. If you love musicals, you must be in them. You absolutely must. And then you must let us know when you’ll be performing so we can come see you do your thing!” He was beaming. Absolutely radiant. At that point I was dying to hear him sing. If his singing voice was half as beautiful as his enthusiasm and charisma when he spoke about singing, then by golly it was a done deal. So we all sat down and he sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” It was the perfect song choice, both lyrically and emotionally for capturing exactly what we were talking about.

He cleared his throat and smiled. “Thank you so much for asking me to sing. You have no idea what it means to me.” His humility and graciousness left us all speechless. He picked up his phone and scrolled through the screen to find the lyrics. We all leaned forward and held our breath for that first note. 

Holy cow! There’s one heck of a crooner in there. Imagine if Michael Buble, Nat King Cole and Tony Bennett decided to push papers in a cubicle instead of sharing their magnificent talent with the world. Oh the crime against humanity! I sat there in awe watching him sing on his own with such ease in front of a group for the first time and thought to myself, surely this treasure was not meant to be hidden from the world. 

We exchanged numbers and I made it my mission to help him get started on his path to performing in musicals. After witnessing his talent and his love for music, I felt it was my responsibility to encourage him so others can partake of the magic I experienced that night. Everything happens for a reason and on behalf of my household, we all left with a piece of that hope and love.

Within two days, he found a role he was literally perfect for (the role of the English tourist) in a Gershwin musical (a songbook perfect for his jazzy voice) and set up a session with a friend who could arrange the music for him. He also shot, retouched and printed his headshots. In two days this man accomplished what takes most people a year to get started. How? He just wanted to do what he loved and he didn’t want to wait. 

I had a chance to see him last night. He had some exciting news to share with me. He booked the part! He booked his very first job ever onstage and its an Equity musical. He did it! And so can you!

So much can happen in a week. So much can happen with a little bit of love. So do what you love and encourage others to do so too. The world will be better for it.

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I enlisted two longtime buddies Roya M. and Shireen A. to be models for a project I’m developing for teenage girls called Beauty School. We discussed what qualities make them feel beautiful, then they put on their favorite outfits, got all dolled up and headed over to the park for a photo shoot. I couldn’t ask for better role models for young girls. Thank you both for being a part of this project. Here’s a sneak peak!

cleaning house

I’ve decided that this year will be remembered as the year of cleaning house. Clearing the way to a simpler, less chaotic and cluttered life.  My minimalism kick began with my sock drawer, spread to my closets and bookshelves, conquered my kitchen pantry with the help of my handy DYMO labeler and is now heading at the speed of light towards my contact book. I’m on a serious mission to rid myself of all unnecessary things that clutter my life. I’ve realized that clutter is what is driving me mad these days, not texts from my mother. I actually enjoy receiving texts from my mother now. I KNOW. I can’t believe it either.

Now that the house is in order, I’ve decided its time to take an honest look at the relationships in my life. Time and energy are valuable and are not to be wasted.

So, why is it that I find myself spending the bulk of my time with people who leave me feeling depleted instead of cultivating relationships with people who energize me? Is there some part of me that feels I don’t deserve to be surrounded by people who inspire me? Am I continuing to keep people in my life out of obligation? Will I continue to treat myself as if I’m serving life in prison?

Is my fear of disappointing people greater than my own happiness and self-worth?

Uh oh. I guess it is. Ok…. Breathe.

If I decide to let go of these toxic relationships what’s the worst that can happen? What’s preventing me from letting them go? Guilt? Check. History? Check. The notion that looking out for myself is selfish? Double check.



Ouch. I found it. Yup. There it is. There’s the judgement. 

Having never done this before, I scoured books, articles and blogs until I found one approach that made sense to me. It specifically outlines attractions of inspiration vs. attractions of deprivation. Although in the article, he helps identify these traits in our romantic relationships, I found they can easily apply to friendships too.

Thanks Ken Page. After reading your article I jumped right into your exercise.

Give it a whirl. What did you discover? Is it time for you to clean house too?

love makes all the difference

Earlier this year I found myself in quite a funk. I started feeling insignificant, wondering if anything I did made a difference in this world. In those moments it’s really easy to spiral into anxiety and self-destructive patterns of behavior. Luckily, I’ve been to that rodeo a couple of times and it’s not pretty. So I decided to turn to a close friend for some guidance. I simply refused to turn into Eeyore. You know, that donkey from Winnie the Pooh that always has a gray cloud hanging over his head? Oh no. Not this time. Not me.

                                    

So I asked her,  ”What’s the point in even trying? What keeps you motivated?”

Her answer was simple. “Love keeps you motivated.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’re not loving what you’re doing, it doesn’t matter. The only way you are going to progress is through love. Bring excellence everywhere you go. And that happens by loving what you’re doing.”

“Where do I start?”

“Every little thing you love, LOVE. It puts you in a place where you love who you are.”

“So I just need to have faith in what I love?”

“Yes!”

I paused and then it hit me. “Ok. And the rest is none of my business?”

“It’s unfortunately really not. Isn’t that amazing? That its not? It seems hard to believe. It’s not.”

So, my question to you friends is…are you feeling joyful and fulfilled? If you’re not loving what you do, there’s no better time than now to do the things you love. What do you love? Put on some good tunes, daydream and make a list of all the things you love. And when you’re finished, go out there and do them. Do it! Because you were meant to know joy and fulfillment…and I want you to be happy.